Laughter is a smile with the volume turned up.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

A diet is a selection of food that makes other people lose weight.

A nice box of chocolates provides your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, Interesting!"
 

Growing old is mandatory;

Growing up is optional.

Be a good citizen and do not steal, because the Government doesn’t like competition !!!

                             Wake up!  The Cat has got your Teeth!

Ten Commandments for Bridge Players

Thou shalt not play any game other than bridge, whilst at the table.
Thou shalt not call a misdeal just because thou hast been dealt no picture cards.
Thou shalt never take the rules of bridge in vain.
After losing three games, thou shalt not cry, nor stamp thy feet nor set fire to thy bridge table.
Thou shalt honour thy director's decision, even though thou might find it unfavourable.
When thy partner makes a mistake, thou shalt not kill.
Thou shall not resort to hand signals, meaningful looks, or kicks under the table to instruct thy partner.
If thou breakest commandment 7, thou must not get caught.
Thou shalt keep table talk to a minimum, unless thou hast some juicy gossip that will not to wait.
Though shalt not covet thy opponents aces, nor their kings, nor their success at making seven no trumps, doubled and redoubled.

The following can only be described as a Superb Senior Moment : A 98 year old woman wrote this to her Bank. The Bank Manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times :

Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculation, three “nanoseconds” must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letter, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.